People-Pleasing: Where It Stems From & How to Overcome It

By Dr. Jenny Sokolowski, Psy.D.

Your Childhood Inner Voice

As children, we naturally have an intuitive sense of what we like and don’t like. I remember, as a young child, being asked to go on a walk in the hot Florida sun. I immediately scrunched my face and said, “No.” In that moment, I wasn’t just expressing a preference; I was listening to my inner voice, unconsciously considering whether fulfilling this request aligned with my needs and desires. This internal guidance helps us make decisions and prioritize our well-being.

However, over time, many of us learn to silence that voice in order to please others. This shift doesn’t happen overnight, and it’s often the result of complex trauma experienced in childhood.

How People-Pleasing Develops

People-pleasing often develops in response to complex, repeated trauma—especially in childhood. Complex trauma arises from ongoing, chronic stressors rather than a single traumatic event. For some, this may include caregivers who dismissed or even ignored their emotional needs, or who made the child’s emotions about themselves.

In these environments, love often feels conditional, and the fear of abandonment becomes very real. For instance, imagine a child turning to a parent in distress, only to have the parent mock or ignore them. The parent might even say, “I’m such a bad parent because you feel this way!” Over time, the child internalizes this emotional neglect, learning to suppress their feelings to avoid further shame and rejection.

This is known as the “fawning” trauma response, where the child learns to cope with an unsafe environment by prioritizing others' needs over their own. Rather than pathologizing this behavior, it's important to recognize that, in these situations, people-pleasing was an adaptive survival mechanism. For children in emotionally neglectful or abusive homes, pleasing others was often the only way to feel some semblance of safety and connection.

People-Pleasing in Adulthood

As people-pleasers grow older, they often carry these maladaptive beliefs into adulthood. They may believe their needs are “too much” or that their opinions will lead to conflict, which they fear. This dynamic often manifests in relationships, where adults avoid expressing their true feelings or desires to maintain peace.

Have you ever withheld an opinion or agreed to something you didn’t want, just to avoid upsetting someone? Do you fear conflict to the point where you allow others to take advantage of you? Beneath these behaviors lies a deep fear of abandonment—believing that if you speak your truth, others will leave you.

People-pleasing is rooted in a lack of self-trust. Many individuals who struggle with this pattern have lost their sense of identity, as they’ve been so focused on fitting in and avoiding disruption. In this process, they often forget their own needs, values, and desires.

Healing from People-Pleasing

Overcoming people-pleasing begins with understanding the root causes—often complex trauma—and developing healthier, more adaptive relational dynamics. Recognizing why you people-please can foster self-compassion and help alleviate the shame or guilt that often accompanies these behaviors.

The next step is to reconnect with your authentic self. Start by identifying your true needs, wants, values, and desires. Your childhood inner voice is still there, and learning to listen to it again can help guide you toward a life that aligns with who you truly are.

I often tell my clients that, while people-pleasing is often an attempt to make others happy, it can actually harm both you and your relationships. When you neglect your own needs in favor of keeping the peace, no one truly benefits. You end up abandoning yourself to avoid the discomfort of potentially upsetting others, which leaves the relationship feeling inauthentic. The validation you seek is rooted in fear, rather than in genuine connection.

Learning to set boundaries is another crucial part of healing. Healthy boundaries allow you to honor both your needs and those of others, creating more authentic, balanced relationships.

If you're interested in learning more about overcoming people-pleasing, building authentic relationships, and developing boundary-setting skills, please reach out.